Sometimes the jobs that we have are not always jobs that we have held as adults. Before I was able to work in the "real world" I took on a slew of babysitting jobs. One of those jobs was during my sophomore year of high school.
High school was super fun for me, especially that year because I had a lot of personal issues going on with my family and such. I would go to school in attire that my business teacher would refer to as "Cyndi Lauper cosplaying as Rainbow Brite." I'd wear garish makeup, eye stickers, fishnet stockings and tights under skirts and shorts, off-colored t-shirts with references that no one ever got in my small town and lots of interesting hair styles. I was a rebel Dottie, a rebel!
When I was in Girl Scouts (because I joined pretty much every club in high school to get out of my house as often as possible) I had a troop leader who had a co-worker that needed a babysitter after school. It was a great deal. It was for three kids, a five-year old, a six-year old and a ten-year old, and they were going to give me ten dollars an hour. This was a crazy amount of money for me because I was only fifteen at the time. She would pick me up from school and then we would go and pick up her kids from school and then she would drop me off at their house and I'd watch the kids for about three or four hours while she finished her day at work.
The first day she came to pick me up I could tell that she was put-off by my appearance. We had spoke on the phone and she loved me, but now, as she opened the door to her Escalade wearing a blazer and pantsuit, I was standing there wearing a colorful ensemble consisting of pigtails, glasses, a lab coat I borrowed from my dad, a Marilyn Manson shirt and a jean skirt with a petticoat. She begrudgingly let me into her vehicle. She seemed uncomfortable at first, but I talked with her on the way to her kids' schools and I eased her mind with my sharp wit and mature, adult voice. The kids loved me right away and we connected pretty quickly.
I worked for her for a few months and it was going pretty well. I helped the kids with their homework because I tutored on the side, I helped put a cheerleading routine together for the oldest one and I sat through that damn Disney Dinosaurs movie about twenty times because the little boy loved it. Their house was huge and each kid had their own room. They obviously had money because all of the kids went to Catholic school. And that is kind of where the problems started coming into play...
The girls would bring their homework over to me each day after class and I'd see questions that had kind of religious overtones to it. I would just gloss over it like I always did at that age and just smile and try to go along with the whole God thing. I really did try to help them out and they got good grades.
But one day when they came home the oldest one says "Today we drew what we were going to give up for Lent in class. This is what I'm giving up." And she showed me a picture she drew of ice cream. I told her how great it was and went back to helping her sister with her work. The older girl tapped me on the arm and asked, "What are you giving up for Lent?"
I probably just should have pulled something out of my ass like soda or pizza at that point, but something came over me and I was struck with honesty for some reason. "Actually," I told her nicely, "I'm not Catholic, so I don't really take part in Lent."
She looked kinda shocked and said, "Well, what church do you go to?"
"Um... Actually, I don't go to church. I'm atheist."
"What religion is that? Is that like a different kind of Christian?"
I told her that it meant that I didn't believe in God and her eyes got really big and she gasped and put her hand over her mouth.
"But you have to believe in God! He is everywhere and he made us! Even you!" And she just went on and on and on. I kept trying to change the subject but she wouldn't drop it. She had no idea that you couldn't believe in God.
So of course when her mom came home she runs up to her and says, "Mom! She doesn't believe in God! How is that even possible?"
Her mom looked at me like I had just unraveled the kid's entire world. It's not like I was trying to, but I wasn't about to sit there and lie to the kid either about what I believed. Yeah, it would have been easier that way, but that just isn't how I operate.
That night I got a call from their dad saying that their grandma was going to be watching the kids after school from now on and thanked me for my services. The mom didn't even have the guts to call me herself. I was really upset because I knew that was the reason that I had been let go. About a week later I was walking home from school and I saw the mom pull up to the high school and pick up some other girl who was about my age. I had been replaced by a less controversial model.
I understand that people are free to do what they like with their children and their religious upbringing, but I was deeply saddened that the lady was so offended by someone simply mentioning the existence of another belief system in their house. I never said anything to belittle their religion or that said my way of thinking was superior to theirs in any way, shape or form. I only answered some questions for a curious kid and I didn't feel that they were inappropriate at all. I wonder what would have happened if they had hired someone who believed in a different deity than theirs instead of none at all. Was it the fact that my view differed from theirs or was it the fact that some people still feel they "can't trust" someone who doesn't believe in something more powerful than man?
Either way it was disappointing and it changed how I felt about voicing my opinion during high school. I'm over it now, but it was something that really made me feel like holding back and no one should have to feel that way if someone is asking them a question, looking for an honest answer.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
That's Not a Knife... Oh, Wait, Yeah It Is!
I don't know why I have so many cell phone stories, but I do. Sorry. One that I like to tell is about this guy that worked with me at Hollywood named "Joey" who was just... Yeah, I don't even know how to accurately describe this guy. He kinda looked like if Phineas from "Phineas and Ferb" was an actual, real-life person and talked like Beavis. He was tall and gangly and thought he was way cooler than he actually was. Also, he openly hated working for women and was constantly saying shit about how he was telling his girlfriend to "get back in the kitchen and make him a sandwich" and other lovely shit like that. I was the store manager at the time and there were two other females in management when he was working there and he would never do what the two female shift leads asked him to do.
One night I had to work with him first-hand because I had never closed with him and had got so many complaints from the female shift leaders working there. There had been a few instances apparently where one of the girls asked him to do something three times and he wouldn't do it, but then a guy asked him that wasn't even management and he did it immediately. I had to see this for myself.
"Hey Joey, can you go run the movies out to the new release wall?"
"Oh, uh, yeah, I just wanna see the last part of this movie that's playing."
"Um... Not trying to be rude, but we aren't here to watch movies, we are here to sell them. Can you please go put those away?"
*sigh* "Yeah, I guess." And he takes a stack of maybe like ten DVDs out on the floor with him when we would usually carry about fifty in one trip. He's about fifty yards away from me when I hear him pull out his cell phone and say, "Yeah, dude, she's being a fucking bitch tonight." Doesn't have the balls to say anything to my face, just gets all passive and douchy.
So I kind of have an "Oh hell no!" moment and walk out onto the sales floor after him.
"Hey Joey, you know we aren't allowed to have cell phones out on the floor. Also, I'm not deaf. Put it away and watch your mouth."
"I don't remember signing anything saying that I couldn't have my phone on me. What if I had an emergency?"
"Actually, yeah, you did when you first started working here. And I don't think that telling your friend that I'm a bitch qualifies as an emergency." He got flustered because he thought that I didn't understand what he was talking about on the phone and just walked away to put away his wimpy stack of movies. He went in the office and said he had put his phone away, but I could still see it in his pocket.
"Dude! Joey! I still see the phone in your pocket, man! If you can't follow a simple instruction, just go put the phone away in your car."
"Fine," he says having a temper-tantrum. "I will put it in my car then!"
So he goes out to his car and is gone for like fifteen minutes. He's out having a smoke but I have customers so I can't do anything about it. When my last customer leaves I run outside and tell him he needs to get in the store because I didn't say he could go on break. He has a fit and comes inside.
His phone is now in the other pocket. Now this is just getting ridiculous.
"Joey. Really man, are you kidding me? I see it in your other pocket. Put it in your car! Now!"
"Ugh! This is so stupid! It's just a phone!"
"Exactly!" I tell him as he walks out the door.
So he goes out to his car again and he's gone for like five minutes. I am just about to lose my shit over this when he finally comes back in. And I swear to God, it's still in his pants!!!
"Joey, this is the stupidest thing ever, but I am going to have to write you up," I tell him as he gets back behind the cash wrap with me.
"Why? I don't have the phone anymore."
"Dude, I see it in your back pocket!!"
"Oh, that's not my phone." And he reaches in his back pocket and says "It's my knife." And he pulls a fucking folded knife with about a four-inch blade out of his pants. And he says it like he's trying to be all hardcore and intimidating. But he just looked like Napoleon Dynamite got a haircut and contacts with a crappy knife in his hand. So I just lost it. There were no customers in the store and I just let him have it.
"Are you fucking kidding me, Joey?? Why the fuck would you bring a knife in here? Are you trying to threaten me??"
"No, I'm just letting you know that I put my phone away."
"But why did you grab a knife???"
"I dunno. It was just there when I put my phone down and I started playing with it and put it in my pocket. And, uh, now it's here."
"Leave."
"Huh?"
"Leave! You're suspended! Go!"
"That's bullshit, man! I'm gonna tell the DM that you cussed at me!"
"Well I'm gonna tell them that you brought a fucking knife in! Go!"
And he left calling me all kinds of lovely things that sexist asshats call women when they are upset at them. He was classy. And fired. Also, I remember when he left that one of the things he called me was a fat bitch. Which reminds me about another awesome Joey story.
So, since it was super obvious that Joey acted the way that he did to try and get attention from other guys, the other guys really had no respect for him at all. One time we were cleaning out the back office where people would take their lunch breaks and we found a notebook. And we looked inside and the cover had all this shit saying "Do Not Read! Personal Property of Joey!" At the time I was defending him and I told the guys to leave it alone, but they opened it up anyway.
Turns out it was "Joey's Song Journal" (it seriously said that with a label from a label maker, haha!) and he was writing all of these terrible songs about some girl and everyone was just cracking up because they were so bad. So a few hours later, Joey comes into work and the guy who was off totally fucks with him.
"Hey man, I'm really sorry, but I was in the back and I found this notebook and I was reading through it before I saw that it was yours. And I was just totally moved by the stuff in there. How does this one go right here?"
And he played it so straight-faced that Joey was like, "Oh, wow, man. I'm hella embarrassed now. But uh, that one goes..." And he sang (completely off-key) this whole song about how hot this girl is and that he was going to "bone" her and all this other crap. And we are just laughing except the guy who was leading him on really badly.
"Oh, come on guys, you shouldn't laugh. Who is it exactly that inspired you to write these epic songs, bro?" Still completely straight-faced.
"Well, actually it's my girlfriend. She's, like, super hot and stuff. We haven't gone all the way yet, but it's been a few months now, so it's totally coming. I can feel it."
And yes, he is saying all of this stuff in front of the four people who are working there, including myself.
"Well, good luck to you on that, man. You should bring her by one night and introduce her to us," he told Joey.
So about a week later he did on a Friday night that he was off. And that was a mistake.
Joey walks in the door and he is holding hands with this girl who he wrote all these flowing epics about that were incredibly graphic about things that he wanted to do to and with her. And she was BIG. I'm not saying that I'm small, but this girl was easily 300-350. And she was wearing tiny girl clothes. And it was all kinds of bad. I'm always saying that just because they make something in your size doesn't mean you should wear it. But I am pretty sure that they did not make this stuff in her size. There was stuff sausaging out all over the place. It was scary. (I don't care what size you are! Cover your chunk, ladies!)
So he walks up to the counter and is just like, "Hey bros, this is my lady, Candy." (Or some other stripper sounding name, I don't remember.) And it's Friday, so most of the staff are working. No one knew what to say. I had to excuse myself and go in the back, so I am not sure if anyone slipped up or not out there until they left.
But one thing I remember very clearly was that one of the guys was really messed up and he kept going around saying, "Hey guys, I got a picture of Joey's girlfriend in my wallet! Wanna see?" And he would open up his wallet and there was a Post-it Note of a drawing he did of a stick-figure Joey and a cartoon whale in a tube top and booty shorts.
A few months later Candy dumped him. Go, Candy!
Part of me feels bad for telling that last story, but the other part feels like, "Eh, if she was that good of a person, she wouldn't have dated someone like that in the first place."
The End!
One night I had to work with him first-hand because I had never closed with him and had got so many complaints from the female shift leaders working there. There had been a few instances apparently where one of the girls asked him to do something three times and he wouldn't do it, but then a guy asked him that wasn't even management and he did it immediately. I had to see this for myself.
"Hey Joey, can you go run the movies out to the new release wall?"
"Oh, uh, yeah, I just wanna see the last part of this movie that's playing."
"Um... Not trying to be rude, but we aren't here to watch movies, we are here to sell them. Can you please go put those away?"
*sigh* "Yeah, I guess." And he takes a stack of maybe like ten DVDs out on the floor with him when we would usually carry about fifty in one trip. He's about fifty yards away from me when I hear him pull out his cell phone and say, "Yeah, dude, she's being a fucking bitch tonight." Doesn't have the balls to say anything to my face, just gets all passive and douchy.
So I kind of have an "Oh hell no!" moment and walk out onto the sales floor after him.
"Hey Joey, you know we aren't allowed to have cell phones out on the floor. Also, I'm not deaf. Put it away and watch your mouth."
"I don't remember signing anything saying that I couldn't have my phone on me. What if I had an emergency?"
"Actually, yeah, you did when you first started working here. And I don't think that telling your friend that I'm a bitch qualifies as an emergency." He got flustered because he thought that I didn't understand what he was talking about on the phone and just walked away to put away his wimpy stack of movies. He went in the office and said he had put his phone away, but I could still see it in his pocket.
"Dude! Joey! I still see the phone in your pocket, man! If you can't follow a simple instruction, just go put the phone away in your car."
"Fine," he says having a temper-tantrum. "I will put it in my car then!"
So he goes out to his car and is gone for like fifteen minutes. He's out having a smoke but I have customers so I can't do anything about it. When my last customer leaves I run outside and tell him he needs to get in the store because I didn't say he could go on break. He has a fit and comes inside.
His phone is now in the other pocket. Now this is just getting ridiculous.
"Joey. Really man, are you kidding me? I see it in your other pocket. Put it in your car! Now!"
"Ugh! This is so stupid! It's just a phone!"
"Exactly!" I tell him as he walks out the door.
So he goes out to his car again and he's gone for like five minutes. I am just about to lose my shit over this when he finally comes back in. And I swear to God, it's still in his pants!!!
"Joey, this is the stupidest thing ever, but I am going to have to write you up," I tell him as he gets back behind the cash wrap with me.
"Why? I don't have the phone anymore."
"Dude, I see it in your back pocket!!"
"Oh, that's not my phone." And he reaches in his back pocket and says "It's my knife." And he pulls a fucking folded knife with about a four-inch blade out of his pants. And he says it like he's trying to be all hardcore and intimidating. But he just looked like Napoleon Dynamite got a haircut and contacts with a crappy knife in his hand. So I just lost it. There were no customers in the store and I just let him have it.
"Are you fucking kidding me, Joey?? Why the fuck would you bring a knife in here? Are you trying to threaten me??"
"No, I'm just letting you know that I put my phone away."
"But why did you grab a knife???"
"I dunno. It was just there when I put my phone down and I started playing with it and put it in my pocket. And, uh, now it's here."
"Leave."
"Huh?"
"Leave! You're suspended! Go!"
"That's bullshit, man! I'm gonna tell the DM that you cussed at me!"
"Well I'm gonna tell them that you brought a fucking knife in! Go!"
And he left calling me all kinds of lovely things that sexist asshats call women when they are upset at them. He was classy. And fired. Also, I remember when he left that one of the things he called me was a fat bitch. Which reminds me about another awesome Joey story.
So, since it was super obvious that Joey acted the way that he did to try and get attention from other guys, the other guys really had no respect for him at all. One time we were cleaning out the back office where people would take their lunch breaks and we found a notebook. And we looked inside and the cover had all this shit saying "Do Not Read! Personal Property of Joey!" At the time I was defending him and I told the guys to leave it alone, but they opened it up anyway.
Turns out it was "Joey's Song Journal" (it seriously said that with a label from a label maker, haha!) and he was writing all of these terrible songs about some girl and everyone was just cracking up because they were so bad. So a few hours later, Joey comes into work and the guy who was off totally fucks with him.
"Hey man, I'm really sorry, but I was in the back and I found this notebook and I was reading through it before I saw that it was yours. And I was just totally moved by the stuff in there. How does this one go right here?"
And he played it so straight-faced that Joey was like, "Oh, wow, man. I'm hella embarrassed now. But uh, that one goes..." And he sang (completely off-key) this whole song about how hot this girl is and that he was going to "bone" her and all this other crap. And we are just laughing except the guy who was leading him on really badly.
"Oh, come on guys, you shouldn't laugh. Who is it exactly that inspired you to write these epic songs, bro?" Still completely straight-faced.
"Well, actually it's my girlfriend. She's, like, super hot and stuff. We haven't gone all the way yet, but it's been a few months now, so it's totally coming. I can feel it."
And yes, he is saying all of this stuff in front of the four people who are working there, including myself.
"Well, good luck to you on that, man. You should bring her by one night and introduce her to us," he told Joey.
So about a week later he did on a Friday night that he was off. And that was a mistake.
Joey walks in the door and he is holding hands with this girl who he wrote all these flowing epics about that were incredibly graphic about things that he wanted to do to and with her. And she was BIG. I'm not saying that I'm small, but this girl was easily 300-350. And she was wearing tiny girl clothes. And it was all kinds of bad. I'm always saying that just because they make something in your size doesn't mean you should wear it. But I am pretty sure that they did not make this stuff in her size. There was stuff sausaging out all over the place. It was scary. (I don't care what size you are! Cover your chunk, ladies!)
So he walks up to the counter and is just like, "Hey bros, this is my lady, Candy." (Or some other stripper sounding name, I don't remember.) And it's Friday, so most of the staff are working. No one knew what to say. I had to excuse myself and go in the back, so I am not sure if anyone slipped up or not out there until they left.
But one thing I remember very clearly was that one of the guys was really messed up and he kept going around saying, "Hey guys, I got a picture of Joey's girlfriend in my wallet! Wanna see?" And he would open up his wallet and there was a Post-it Note of a drawing he did of a stick-figure Joey and a cartoon whale in a tube top and booty shorts.
A few months later Candy dumped him. Go, Candy!
Part of me feels bad for telling that last story, but the other part feels like, "Eh, if she was that good of a person, she wouldn't have dated someone like that in the first place."
The End!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Castro
When I worked at Hollywood there was this guy named Mr. Castro who was everyone's least favorite customer. He was rude and sexist and supposedly a super smart computer programmer, so he talked down to everyone that he didn't think was as smart as he was. He was in his late 40s or early 50s and would always come in really late at night right before we would close and want to stay and keep us after-hours all the time. He was a walking sexual harassment case who wore a man-purse and Birkenstocks. If you were a girl that worked there (which was a rarity) he gave you the hardest time and would try to invent ways to get you to bend over so that he could look at your ass or down your shirt. It was great fun.
We didn't carry porn because we were a family store, but we did end up carrying some softcore NC-17 titles like Pirates and the Emmanuel series. Mr. Castro rented them all. And when I say all, I mean all. It got to the point where he would come in and I would just round them up for him at the front counter. Sexual harassment only works if you let the other person feel like they have power over you, so I would just pretty much tell him to fuck off. Eventually we learned to tolerate each other. It was creepy. One guy that worked with me there said that he used to work at an adult store and he saw Mr. Castro there all the time and they had to kick him out because he got caught, uh, testing the merchandise in the store before purchasing anything. It just eventually became like a hazing ritual at Hollywood that new people would have to work an evening shift until they had to help him. "Oh God, I had to help this really horrible little man last night?" "Oh yeah, was it Mr. Castro?" And we'd all laugh because we had been there.
One night I was working a closing shift with one of the guys and he had to go take a ten minute break outside. It was super slow that night and we hadn't had very many customers. Fun fact about me: I love to sing. I irritate people around me sometimes because I sing so often, but when I am all by myself I go all out--like full on American Idol status. So when my co-worker went out to take his break I started putting movies away through the store. I always hum to myself or whatever even when people are around, but I scanned the store and I saw that I was all alone so I start busting out some pop song that I had stuck in my head. Now, I'm not the best singer in the world, but I'm pretty decent and when I got into the song I was kinda even dancing a little bit with the stack of movies that I was holding. I had been out on the floor for so long that I had even made it to the part of the song with the high note that you hold out for a long time and I totally nailed it. I had just finished my last few movies and, still singing, I made my way for the main aisle of the store to go up to the front and get more to put away. I turn the corner and Mr. Castro is up at the cash wrap and he starts fucking clapping for me.
I was so damn embarrassed because I thought I had been there alone, but he just heard me bare my soul to the Classics section. And the worst part was that the other guy was still on break, so I had to fucking help him and check him out.
Through the whole transaction he doesn't drop it and says stuff like, "I had no idea you could sing like that" and "Maybe if you dropped a few pounds you'd have a career for yourself, sweetie." I was beat red the entire time and I wanted to jump over the counter and beat the crap out of him. And as he's leaving he says, "You know, if you ever wanted to sing anything else for me, you have my number." And he did the little finger point and mouth click thing with a wink and walked out the door as my co-worker was coming back in. And he tells my co-worker, "You better watch out for that one! She'll get ya all riled up and leave you hanging!"
Ewwwwww!
We didn't carry porn because we were a family store, but we did end up carrying some softcore NC-17 titles like Pirates and the Emmanuel series. Mr. Castro rented them all. And when I say all, I mean all. It got to the point where he would come in and I would just round them up for him at the front counter. Sexual harassment only works if you let the other person feel like they have power over you, so I would just pretty much tell him to fuck off. Eventually we learned to tolerate each other. It was creepy. One guy that worked with me there said that he used to work at an adult store and he saw Mr. Castro there all the time and they had to kick him out because he got caught, uh, testing the merchandise in the store before purchasing anything. It just eventually became like a hazing ritual at Hollywood that new people would have to work an evening shift until they had to help him. "Oh God, I had to help this really horrible little man last night?" "Oh yeah, was it Mr. Castro?" And we'd all laugh because we had been there.
One night I was working a closing shift with one of the guys and he had to go take a ten minute break outside. It was super slow that night and we hadn't had very many customers. Fun fact about me: I love to sing. I irritate people around me sometimes because I sing so often, but when I am all by myself I go all out--like full on American Idol status. So when my co-worker went out to take his break I started putting movies away through the store. I always hum to myself or whatever even when people are around, but I scanned the store and I saw that I was all alone so I start busting out some pop song that I had stuck in my head. Now, I'm not the best singer in the world, but I'm pretty decent and when I got into the song I was kinda even dancing a little bit with the stack of movies that I was holding. I had been out on the floor for so long that I had even made it to the part of the song with the high note that you hold out for a long time and I totally nailed it. I had just finished my last few movies and, still singing, I made my way for the main aisle of the store to go up to the front and get more to put away. I turn the corner and Mr. Castro is up at the cash wrap and he starts fucking clapping for me.
I was so damn embarrassed because I thought I had been there alone, but he just heard me bare my soul to the Classics section. And the worst part was that the other guy was still on break, so I had to fucking help him and check him out.
Through the whole transaction he doesn't drop it and says stuff like, "I had no idea you could sing like that" and "Maybe if you dropped a few pounds you'd have a career for yourself, sweetie." I was beat red the entire time and I wanted to jump over the counter and beat the crap out of him. And as he's leaving he says, "You know, if you ever wanted to sing anything else for me, you have my number." And he did the little finger point and mouth click thing with a wink and walked out the door as my co-worker was coming back in. And he tells my co-worker, "You better watch out for that one! She'll get ya all riled up and leave you hanging!"
Ewwwwww!
Monday, August 20, 2012
50 Shades of Red
I really don't want to get all super valley girl in this blog and start every story with "So this one time..." but too bad!
So this one time at Hollywood Video I hired this guy Wiley. And yes, that was really his name. He was the most irritating person that I had ever met in my life, but unfortunately I didn't realize that until after he had been working there for a few weeks. He was one of those guys that had joined the military and had just come back to join the workforce, but I wasn't sure if the military had made him weird or if he was just a bit off to begin with. He was super enthusiastic about his job to a fault and there was no doubt in my mind that he had adult ADD. I was about 20 at the time and he was about 30. I got a little bit of lip from him every now and then but for the most part he did his job.
And everyone fucking hated him.
Yeah.
He really wanted to fit in with everyone at work and so he would get people lunch and he would be super nice to everyone but me so that his peers would like him. People kept telling me that Wiley was telling everyone that I was a bitch and so hard to work for and all this other crap, but they were cool enough to at least tell me what was going on. It was a fun cycle of people saying he did something and him denying it. One guy at work even recorded him saying it with his cell phone and he still denied it. If he wasn't one of my best sales people I would have fired him in a heartbeat.
One day I was working the night shift with a bunch of guys and I'm putting movies back on the shelf when Wiley comes in the door and is super excited about something. He had been working there for the better part of a year and by this point, everyone was tired of his shenanigans. "Oh my God, you guys! You will never believe what I found in my email today!" And of course they all made jokes about penis enlargement ads and Viagra and what not.
"No!" he says so that everyone in the damn store can hear. "Our manager thinks I'm sexy!"
What the hell?
And he walks over to me with this giant fucking grin on his face and struts over with his damn thumbs in his belt loops like he's some kind of cowboy. He slicks his hair back with his hand, licks his lips and raises his eyebrows in that "how you doin'" kind of manner.
"You think I'm sexy!" he says with a huge smile on his face.
"What are you talking about Wiley?" I ask him like he's insane.
"I was going through one of my email accounts that I haven't checked since I came back from the military and I had a lot of mail to go through. It was my Yahoo email account."
"Uh-huh... What does that have to do with me?" I asked him cautiously.
"Well, I'm glad you asked! You see," he said rifling through his backpack (and yes, he was a 30 year old man-boy that brought a backpack to work) "the last time that I was on leave last year I signed up for a dating service--through Yahoo." And then my heart sank into my stomach and I dropped the pile of movies that I had been holding.
About a year before this whole thing happened, I was not exactly in a good mindset for dating. I had just broken up with my boyfriend and I was on the rebound. So I decided to try Yahoo dating. And the stuff that had happened as a result of that is worthy of a non-related work post all its own. But in regards to this, let's just say I tried casting a lot of lines out into the internet sea of love and had come out empty-handed.
And Wiley apparently had proof of my unfettered desperation. And it was bad.
"Oh yes," he said holding it up in the air. "Gather 'round boys and listen to this!" So of course they all did because they were all little shitbirds.
"Oh good God..." I said turning about a million shades of red. The paper had my profile from the dating service AND an email that I sent to him.
"Ahem. Hey there sexy! I saw your profile online and just had to drop you a line to see if you'd ever be interested in meeting up! You have absolutely gorgeous eyes and I could definitely see myself running my fingers through that amazing hair of yours... and possibly more ;) [And he fucking winked right there.] I see that you're a bit older than I am, so maybe you could teach me a thing or two! We have lots in common and it looks like you live pretty close to me. Hit me up if you'd like to, uh, hit me up, hehe..."
My jaw dropped to the floor and everyone else's working had their jaw dropped to the floor. There was even a regular customer in the store and his damn jaw dropped to the floor. I had no idea what to say.
So of course one of my employees has to say, "Dayum! You's a freak, girl!" And everyone starts laughing.
I was completely and utterly mortified.
Then to make matters worse, Wiley has to ask me, "So, do you still think I'm sexy?" in this super throaty radio show host voice.
I mean, at this point there really was no going back. The thing had my damn picture on it and everything. I've never been ashamed of my sexuality. So, after being totally destroyed in front of my crew, I just picked myself up again and went for it. He started it!
"Well, honestly, Wiley," I said with the whole store hanging on my every word, "You were very attractive in that picture. And you're cute. I'll give you that. Maybe even very cute. But you are a 30 year old man who lives at home with his mom and trying to call me out on something from before I even worked with you and that's never sexy."
At least that's what I wished that's what I said. I think I ended up just having a total meltdown. I can't remember. All I remember was going into the back office and locking myself inside for about twenty minutes until I stopped being red.
Yay. Memories!
So this one time at Hollywood Video I hired this guy Wiley. And yes, that was really his name. He was the most irritating person that I had ever met in my life, but unfortunately I didn't realize that until after he had been working there for a few weeks. He was one of those guys that had joined the military and had just come back to join the workforce, but I wasn't sure if the military had made him weird or if he was just a bit off to begin with. He was super enthusiastic about his job to a fault and there was no doubt in my mind that he had adult ADD. I was about 20 at the time and he was about 30. I got a little bit of lip from him every now and then but for the most part he did his job.
And everyone fucking hated him.
Yeah.
He really wanted to fit in with everyone at work and so he would get people lunch and he would be super nice to everyone but me so that his peers would like him. People kept telling me that Wiley was telling everyone that I was a bitch and so hard to work for and all this other crap, but they were cool enough to at least tell me what was going on. It was a fun cycle of people saying he did something and him denying it. One guy at work even recorded him saying it with his cell phone and he still denied it. If he wasn't one of my best sales people I would have fired him in a heartbeat.
One day I was working the night shift with a bunch of guys and I'm putting movies back on the shelf when Wiley comes in the door and is super excited about something. He had been working there for the better part of a year and by this point, everyone was tired of his shenanigans. "Oh my God, you guys! You will never believe what I found in my email today!" And of course they all made jokes about penis enlargement ads and Viagra and what not.
"No!" he says so that everyone in the damn store can hear. "Our manager thinks I'm sexy!"
What the hell?
And he walks over to me with this giant fucking grin on his face and struts over with his damn thumbs in his belt loops like he's some kind of cowboy. He slicks his hair back with his hand, licks his lips and raises his eyebrows in that "how you doin'" kind of manner.
"You think I'm sexy!" he says with a huge smile on his face.
"What are you talking about Wiley?" I ask him like he's insane.
"I was going through one of my email accounts that I haven't checked since I came back from the military and I had a lot of mail to go through. It was my Yahoo email account."
"Uh-huh... What does that have to do with me?" I asked him cautiously.
"Well, I'm glad you asked! You see," he said rifling through his backpack (and yes, he was a 30 year old man-boy that brought a backpack to work) "the last time that I was on leave last year I signed up for a dating service--through Yahoo." And then my heart sank into my stomach and I dropped the pile of movies that I had been holding.
About a year before this whole thing happened, I was not exactly in a good mindset for dating. I had just broken up with my boyfriend and I was on the rebound. So I decided to try Yahoo dating. And the stuff that had happened as a result of that is worthy of a non-related work post all its own. But in regards to this, let's just say I tried casting a lot of lines out into the internet sea of love and had come out empty-handed.
And Wiley apparently had proof of my unfettered desperation. And it was bad.
"Oh yes," he said holding it up in the air. "Gather 'round boys and listen to this!" So of course they all did because they were all little shitbirds.
"Oh good God..." I said turning about a million shades of red. The paper had my profile from the dating service AND an email that I sent to him.
"Ahem. Hey there sexy! I saw your profile online and just had to drop you a line to see if you'd ever be interested in meeting up! You have absolutely gorgeous eyes and I could definitely see myself running my fingers through that amazing hair of yours... and possibly more ;) [And he fucking winked right there.] I see that you're a bit older than I am, so maybe you could teach me a thing or two! We have lots in common and it looks like you live pretty close to me. Hit me up if you'd like to, uh, hit me up, hehe..."
My jaw dropped to the floor and everyone else's working had their jaw dropped to the floor. There was even a regular customer in the store and his damn jaw dropped to the floor. I had no idea what to say.
So of course one of my employees has to say, "Dayum! You's a freak, girl!" And everyone starts laughing.
I was completely and utterly mortified.
Then to make matters worse, Wiley has to ask me, "So, do you still think I'm sexy?" in this super throaty radio show host voice.
I mean, at this point there really was no going back. The thing had my damn picture on it and everything. I've never been ashamed of my sexuality. So, after being totally destroyed in front of my crew, I just picked myself up again and went for it. He started it!
"Well, honestly, Wiley," I said with the whole store hanging on my every word, "You were very attractive in that picture. And you're cute. I'll give you that. Maybe even very cute. But you are a 30 year old man who lives at home with his mom and trying to call me out on something from before I even worked with you and that's never sexy."
At least that's what I wished that's what I said. I think I ended up just having a total meltdown. I can't remember. All I remember was going into the back office and locking myself inside for about twenty minutes until I stopped being red.
Yay. Memories!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Operation Dumbo Drop
Here's a fun post about code words and phrases that have been used in the workplace! And, as always, all the examples have happened irl.
Mac 'n' Me - A horrible 'boy meets alien' movie and a phrase at Hollywood Video to signify the presence of a hawt girl while being able to shout it across the store. "Hey, bro! Did you, uh, find that copy of Mac 'n' Me over in the, uh, Drama section?"
Hardcore Martinez - A description of a rather trashy individual that we assumed lived in or around the city of Martinez, CA, a small town known for 'tweekers and antiquers'. "That lady was hella Hardcore Martinez! She paid for her pictures with a Ziploc baggie of nickels!"
Ghetto Guero - A white person that tries to act like they're from a rough part of town, aka, 'the hood', but is putting on an act for everyone around them. "Damn! That chick is one Ghetto Guero! Her eyebrows are drawn on with a Sharpie and her super white boyfriend in the game section is wearing a FUBU sweatsuit!"
Seven - The number that you pull out of your ass on conference calls when you didn't look up the research and need an accurate sounding statistic. "Uh... Yeah, so I think we are up about seven percent from last quarter with our conversion rate, you know, give or take a few."
Ruined Christmas - If you read my 'Some Parents Are Asshats' post, you might recall the horrible father who told his daughter "That's it! You just ruined Christmas!". So this was a phrase that we'd use in the studio to basically just describe any parent who was being a complete douche to their child. "Dude, that lady just totally ruined Christmas up in that session! She told her kid that he was a fag during his senior portraits session!"
Punch a Baby - A phrase to describe how over-the-top angry you are about something. "I am so pissed off right now that I could fucking punch a baby!" Or one that I used the other day, "This day sucks so bad that I wanna use a baby to knock a senior citizen into a paraplegic."
Operation Dumbo Drop - A really bad Disney movie and a phrase used at Hollywood to let everyone know that someone beefed. "Oh dude, someone totally left a copy of Operation Dumbo Drop over in the kids section. Stay back!" (We were classy.)
Crazy Cousin - A stranger doing something that is causing you to be embarrassed for them. You then turn to your co-worker and imply that they are related to said stranger to attempt to cause them shame by comparison. "Haha! Tell your grown-ass, crazy cousin that he can't come into the store with cornrows and footie pajamas and sit in the middle of the store watching a movie!"
I've gotta have more of these somewhere in my brain! Feel free to share your own!
Mac 'n' Me - A horrible 'boy meets alien' movie and a phrase at Hollywood Video to signify the presence of a hawt girl while being able to shout it across the store. "Hey, bro! Did you, uh, find that copy of Mac 'n' Me over in the, uh, Drama section?"
Hardcore Martinez - A description of a rather trashy individual that we assumed lived in or around the city of Martinez, CA, a small town known for 'tweekers and antiquers'. "That lady was hella Hardcore Martinez! She paid for her pictures with a Ziploc baggie of nickels!"
Ghetto Guero - A white person that tries to act like they're from a rough part of town, aka, 'the hood', but is putting on an act for everyone around them. "Damn! That chick is one Ghetto Guero! Her eyebrows are drawn on with a Sharpie and her super white boyfriend in the game section is wearing a FUBU sweatsuit!"
Seven - The number that you pull out of your ass on conference calls when you didn't look up the research and need an accurate sounding statistic. "Uh... Yeah, so I think we are up about seven percent from last quarter with our conversion rate, you know, give or take a few."
Ruined Christmas - If you read my 'Some Parents Are Asshats' post, you might recall the horrible father who told his daughter "That's it! You just ruined Christmas!". So this was a phrase that we'd use in the studio to basically just describe any parent who was being a complete douche to their child. "Dude, that lady just totally ruined Christmas up in that session! She told her kid that he was a fag during his senior portraits session!"
Punch a Baby - A phrase to describe how over-the-top angry you are about something. "I am so pissed off right now that I could fucking punch a baby!" Or one that I used the other day, "This day sucks so bad that I wanna use a baby to knock a senior citizen into a paraplegic."
Operation Dumbo Drop - A really bad Disney movie and a phrase used at Hollywood to let everyone know that someone beefed. "Oh dude, someone totally left a copy of Operation Dumbo Drop over in the kids section. Stay back!" (We were classy.)
Crazy Cousin - A stranger doing something that is causing you to be embarrassed for them. You then turn to your co-worker and imply that they are related to said stranger to attempt to cause them shame by comparison. "Haha! Tell your grown-ass, crazy cousin that he can't come into the store with cornrows and footie pajamas and sit in the middle of the store watching a movie!"
I've gotta have more of these somewhere in my brain! Feel free to share your own!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Ch-Ch-Ch-Chonies!
Fun, on-the-job antics relating to everyone's favorite undergarment:
- Just to prefix this a bit, the associate in question was a super nice Korean guy in his late 40s who had only lived in the U.S. for about five years. And the manager in question was about 26 at the time, married with two kids. Good times!
"Um, do you have a minute?" asked one of my managers.
"Yeah, what's up?"
"He got me panties," she said, clearly in shock.
"Who got you panties? Huh?"
"My associate. Got me panties. For my birthday."
"What the...?"
"And they are exactly the right size."
"What the fucking...?"
"And they have matching bras with them."
"Uhhh..."
"And they look very expensive."
"Holy crap, dude. Did you need me to call HR?"
"No, I don't want to get anyone in trouble. I just had to share."
" 'The hell? Are you sure? What did he say? Isn't he married?"
"Yep."
"What is your husband going to say? He is obviously not going to be cool with this."
"Nope."
"What are you going to do?"
"Go home and say 'Look at these awesome panties I just bought!'"
"Dude!"
"Dude..."
"Dude... All he got me was a card haha!"
-At Hollywood Video there was a girl that worked for this crazy manager that no one ever wanted to deal with because she was nuts. We actually had a few of those, but this one got her eighteen year-old, female associate panties for Valentine's Day and asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner. Apparently there was even a box of chocolates included.
-One Friday night at Hollywood, we were all recovering from a busy night of non-stop customers. At least the people up front were. I was still pretty new at the time, so I got the bitch job of putting movies back on the shelf up towards the front of the store. I could hear them talking about one of the guys' pants being way too tight--so tight in fact that you could see a man-panty line. "They are not too tight! Just 'cause I don't want my pants around my ankles like you guys doesn't mean they're too tight," he said complaining to everyone. So I go to put some movies away on the very bottom shelf and a kid had knocked everything off the bottom row. I kneel down to straighten things up when BAM! Right in front of me, panty-line guy unintentionally has his crotch in my face and asks "Do you think these are too tight?" Causing me to fall backwards and drop all the movies I'm holding while everyone up at the front starts cracking up hysterically. And yes, they were entirely too tight!
-This story could have gone in a few categories, but I was running out of underwear stories, so I figured that it would work in this post. I have taken thousands of portrait sessions over the years and I have lots of fun ones that I remember, but one very memorable session was during one holiday season at 'Happy Time Portraits'. The studio was packed and we were short staffed. As the manager, I wasn't supposed to be in the camera room, I was supposed to be running things, but I didn't really have a choice. So I go into the lobby and there is this group of nine guys, grown men in their 30s-50s, all wearing crazy-ugly grandma sweaters. I always tell my staff that I am a salesperson first and a photographer second, but when I get a really good group of fun people, I kick it into high gear. I feel like I'm on stage at a comedy club and my act requires a lot of audience participation. So when I see this motley crew of gentlemen in my studio lobby, I am fucking on it!
They tell me that they are all brothers and step-brothers and that they like to take a crazy group picture every few years and that they want to do some fun things in their session. I get so excited! I get them in the room and I start to get the first group pose set up, when suddenly there is an emergency in the lobby and they need a manager. I let them know that I will be right back and they are super cool with it. As I'm leaving the room I noticed that one of the guys isn't wearing a sweater, he has on a trenchcoat and sunglasses. Weird, but whatever. So I head back to the room a few minutes later and I hear them all giggling from outside, and when I get to the door I see the trenchcoat on the floor. I step in the room and this one fucking guy is wearing sunglasses, a motorcycle helmet and a fucking gold speedo! And he shouts "I'm ready for my close-up!"
I was floored and I could see that they were all trying to gauge my reaction. I didn't even really know what to say at that point, so I just blinked a few times and acted like everything was normal. We actually aren't supposed to take pictures of people in underwear, but how often do you get to take pics of a hawt guy in a gold speedo? (And, oh yes, he was gorgeous! He looked like the guy from Sublime and had tattoos and stuff!) So we just had the best time ever and I even got each of them to take individual shots doing some crazy pose. They ended up getting this giant framed collage of each of them and a bunch of other stuff. It was one of the most fun sessions I'd ever shot. I think the crowning frame of that session was getting speedo guy on the floor on a faux-fur rug, laying down on his side with his finger to his lips and a come hither look in his eye. Yum.
And as an added bonus, when they finished looking at their pictures on the sales table, I forgot to close the window on the computer and this kid came up and started laughing and when his mom came to see what he was laughing at she cupped her hands over his eyes and yelled at me. Worth it :)
- Just to prefix this a bit, the associate in question was a super nice Korean guy in his late 40s who had only lived in the U.S. for about five years. And the manager in question was about 26 at the time, married with two kids. Good times!
"Um, do you have a minute?" asked one of my managers.
"Yeah, what's up?"
"He got me panties," she said, clearly in shock.
"Who got you panties? Huh?"
"My associate. Got me panties. For my birthday."
"What the...?"
"And they are exactly the right size."
"What the fucking...?"
"And they have matching bras with them."
"Uhhh..."
"And they look very expensive."
"Holy crap, dude. Did you need me to call HR?"
"No, I don't want to get anyone in trouble. I just had to share."
" 'The hell? Are you sure? What did he say? Isn't he married?"
"Yep."
"What is your husband going to say? He is obviously not going to be cool with this."
"Nope."
"What are you going to do?"
"Go home and say 'Look at these awesome panties I just bought!'"
"Dude!"
"Dude..."
"Dude... All he got me was a card haha!"
-At Hollywood Video there was a girl that worked for this crazy manager that no one ever wanted to deal with because she was nuts. We actually had a few of those, but this one got her eighteen year-old, female associate panties for Valentine's Day and asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner. Apparently there was even a box of chocolates included.
-One Friday night at Hollywood, we were all recovering from a busy night of non-stop customers. At least the people up front were. I was still pretty new at the time, so I got the bitch job of putting movies back on the shelf up towards the front of the store. I could hear them talking about one of the guys' pants being way too tight--so tight in fact that you could see a man-panty line. "They are not too tight! Just 'cause I don't want my pants around my ankles like you guys doesn't mean they're too tight," he said complaining to everyone. So I go to put some movies away on the very bottom shelf and a kid had knocked everything off the bottom row. I kneel down to straighten things up when BAM! Right in front of me, panty-line guy unintentionally has his crotch in my face and asks "Do you think these are too tight?" Causing me to fall backwards and drop all the movies I'm holding while everyone up at the front starts cracking up hysterically. And yes, they were entirely too tight!
-This story could have gone in a few categories, but I was running out of underwear stories, so I figured that it would work in this post. I have taken thousands of portrait sessions over the years and I have lots of fun ones that I remember, but one very memorable session was during one holiday season at 'Happy Time Portraits'. The studio was packed and we were short staffed. As the manager, I wasn't supposed to be in the camera room, I was supposed to be running things, but I didn't really have a choice. So I go into the lobby and there is this group of nine guys, grown men in their 30s-50s, all wearing crazy-ugly grandma sweaters. I always tell my staff that I am a salesperson first and a photographer second, but when I get a really good group of fun people, I kick it into high gear. I feel like I'm on stage at a comedy club and my act requires a lot of audience participation. So when I see this motley crew of gentlemen in my studio lobby, I am fucking on it!
They tell me that they are all brothers and step-brothers and that they like to take a crazy group picture every few years and that they want to do some fun things in their session. I get so excited! I get them in the room and I start to get the first group pose set up, when suddenly there is an emergency in the lobby and they need a manager. I let them know that I will be right back and they are super cool with it. As I'm leaving the room I noticed that one of the guys isn't wearing a sweater, he has on a trenchcoat and sunglasses. Weird, but whatever. So I head back to the room a few minutes later and I hear them all giggling from outside, and when I get to the door I see the trenchcoat on the floor. I step in the room and this one fucking guy is wearing sunglasses, a motorcycle helmet and a fucking gold speedo! And he shouts "I'm ready for my close-up!"
I was floored and I could see that they were all trying to gauge my reaction. I didn't even really know what to say at that point, so I just blinked a few times and acted like everything was normal. We actually aren't supposed to take pictures of people in underwear, but how often do you get to take pics of a hawt guy in a gold speedo? (And, oh yes, he was gorgeous! He looked like the guy from Sublime and had tattoos and stuff!) So we just had the best time ever and I even got each of them to take individual shots doing some crazy pose. They ended up getting this giant framed collage of each of them and a bunch of other stuff. It was one of the most fun sessions I'd ever shot. I think the crowning frame of that session was getting speedo guy on the floor on a faux-fur rug, laying down on his side with his finger to his lips and a come hither look in his eye. Yum.
And as an added bonus, when they finished looking at their pictures on the sales table, I forgot to close the window on the computer and this kid came up and started laughing and when his mom came to see what he was laughing at she cupped her hands over his eyes and yelled at me. Worth it :)
Monday, August 6, 2012
Fun in the Bathroom!
I don't know why so many weird things happen to me in the bathroom at work, but they do. And most of the time it's awesomely bad!
- I'm sitting in a stall and all of a sudden this little boy comes into the bathroom with his mom. He had to be like five or six years old and he just starts peeping under all of the stall doors. There are a lot of stalls and he gets to me and I just cover up and laugh at him. A few seconds later I hear an old lady a few stalls over scream "How dare you! You vile, vile little child!" I couldn't see anything, but in my head I pictured her hitting him with a purse.
-I walk into the bathroom and there is a lady in the handicap stall talking in a soothing voice to a small child. "It's okay sweetie, you can do it! Come on! That's it!" And she goes on saying things like that pretty much the whole time I'm in there. Finally I hear the kid go pee and the lady is fucking ecstatic! As I'm washing my hands the lady comes out of the stall and there is no kid... She was making her cocker spaniel use the public restroom! Ack!
-When I first started working at 'Happy Time Portraits' I was not well liked because I got hired to replace someone that was getting demoted. And I didn't know it until I showed up to work there. And either did she. And it was really awkward. And then she stayed on to make my life a living hell. And this relates to the theme of this post because one time I was in a stall at the end of my lunch break when the demoted employee and her work friend come in the bathroom to fix their whore makeup. And they just stand there talking a whole lot of shit about me. And I want to say that I came out and was like "OH REALLY? Go eat a dick you skanky bitches!" But I didn't. I cried in silence until they left like a little bitch... Fun! :) (It's okay, the last one is funny, so you can smile again!)
-I had to go adjust my bra at work [Totally not relevant to the story, just thought I'd share!] so I ducked into the restroom and this lady walks in behind me and makes a mad dash to one of the stalls. Turns out the first stall that she tries is occupied and the lady who was in there didn't lock the door--and was apparently mid-poop. The poop lady gets up quickly to close the stall door and as she gets up, it, uh, happens and you hear it happen. The first lady still looking for an empty stall tries to close the door at the same time and shouts "Goddammit! Lock the door!" and Poop Lady shouts "Lesbian! Get your dirty kicks elsewhere!" And I am standing there wearing my name tag and this other lady looks at me and says "Aren't you going to do something about that?" I looked at her, I blinked and shook my head as I walked out the door. What the fuck are you supposed to do about that???
- I'm sitting in a stall and all of a sudden this little boy comes into the bathroom with his mom. He had to be like five or six years old and he just starts peeping under all of the stall doors. There are a lot of stalls and he gets to me and I just cover up and laugh at him. A few seconds later I hear an old lady a few stalls over scream "How dare you! You vile, vile little child!" I couldn't see anything, but in my head I pictured her hitting him with a purse.
-I walk into the bathroom and there is a lady in the handicap stall talking in a soothing voice to a small child. "It's okay sweetie, you can do it! Come on! That's it!" And she goes on saying things like that pretty much the whole time I'm in there. Finally I hear the kid go pee and the lady is fucking ecstatic! As I'm washing my hands the lady comes out of the stall and there is no kid... She was making her cocker spaniel use the public restroom! Ack!
-When I first started working at 'Happy Time Portraits' I was not well liked because I got hired to replace someone that was getting demoted. And I didn't know it until I showed up to work there. And either did she. And it was really awkward. And then she stayed on to make my life a living hell. And this relates to the theme of this post because one time I was in a stall at the end of my lunch break when the demoted employee and her work friend come in the bathroom to fix their whore makeup. And they just stand there talking a whole lot of shit about me. And I want to say that I came out and was like "OH REALLY? Go eat a dick you skanky bitches!" But I didn't. I cried in silence until they left like a little bitch... Fun! :) (It's okay, the last one is funny, so you can smile again!)
-I had to go adjust my bra at work [Totally not relevant to the story, just thought I'd share!] so I ducked into the restroom and this lady walks in behind me and makes a mad dash to one of the stalls. Turns out the first stall that she tries is occupied and the lady who was in there didn't lock the door--and was apparently mid-poop. The poop lady gets up quickly to close the stall door and as she gets up, it, uh, happens and you hear it happen. The first lady still looking for an empty stall tries to close the door at the same time and shouts "Goddammit! Lock the door!" and Poop Lady shouts "Lesbian! Get your dirty kicks elsewhere!" And I am standing there wearing my name tag and this other lady looks at me and says "Aren't you going to do something about that?" I looked at her, I blinked and shook my head as I walked out the door. What the fuck are you supposed to do about that???
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