Thursday, January 24, 2013
Callin' in The Fuzz!
"Vindi, the police are here right now because...
- Some lady just jumped over the counter at me because I wouldn't give her the extra pictures that she refused to pay for.
- A dude just robbed me at gunpoint for the $50 I had in the cash register.
- This crazy guy called 911 because I wouldn't give him a refund on a non-refundable product.
- Loss Prevention couldn't get this lady out of the store and she is refusing to leave until I apologize for 'looking at her funny.'
- Someone just shot out all the glass in the windows of our store front.
- This mentally challenged guy got lost while his group home was on an outing and he started putting movies into his backpack and when I told him he had to put them back he pissed himself and just sat on the floor.
- These two customers got into a fight because one was drunk and the other didn't speak English and the drunk guy got mad about that so he punched him.
- Someone drove through the side of our video store in the middle of the night and drove off.
- They seem to think that I stole some watches, but they must be mistaken, so I thought I'd call you and let you know that my store isn't going to be covered for the next few hours. (She totally did it!)
- This lady says that I stole her $2,000 necklace that no one saw her wearing--in the middle of downtown Oakland... *sigh*
- There is a guy who keeps barking at me and Loss Prevention wouldn't do anything about it, so I had to call the cops.
- Someone tasered a shoplifter in front of me and they have questions.
- This really ugly guy exposed himself to me in the camera room and ran away.
- There was a standoff in the middle of the street right in front of the store between the cops and this crazy couple that stole a car.
- I accidentally got locked in the store after-hours and set the alarms off and now the store is surrounded and they have guns drawn because they think I broke in.
- Someone blew up our movie return box.
- A customer came in and printed out a bunch of her own pictures when I went on my lunch break.
- A customer told me she needed to breastfeed the baby in private and I left the room and before I could go back in she said that she needed to get a diaper from the car. She never came back and I looked in the room and she stole our camera.
There are soooo many more, but these were the most entertaining that I can remember for now :D
Um... No
I was going to start this story off with the day that stuff actually went down, but I always like to give a little bit of background. A few weeks before Thanksgiving I (a district manager for "Happy Time Portraits") brought my boss (the regional manager) to one of the biggest studios in my district to do a visit. Business as usual. Well, this particular day, the studio manager, Dave, decided he was going to be a giant prick. During my last visit with Dave, I had given him clear instructions on things that needed to be fixed at his studio and when my boss and I got there he hadn't done any of them. And he had a really great attitude about not having done any of them. He was being down-right cocky and arrogant and I ended up having to write him up and give him a final warning that he needed to get his shit together. We left the studio and my RM was just shocked at how rude he was and we were discussing alternate plans of action to take should he not get everything fixed. I told her that it was going to be okay because I had a manager-in-training at that studio and I had a backup plan if need be.
Well, one fateful day, the weekend before Thanksgiving, right before retail season gets its big start, I got a call from the Loss Prevention department of the store that the portrait studio was located in. The man asked if I was the DM and when I told him that I was he said, "Okay, well I just thought that you'd like to know that we are gonna be taking two of your employees outta here in handcuffs in about an hour. So, if you need to find someone to cover the store, now would probably be a good time."
I sat there speechless for a few moments and told him that I was on my way down. He wouldn't tell me which employees they were taking in and the store was about an hour away from my house. I rushed down and when I finally got there the manager-in-training at the front counter said that some men from the main office had taken Dave away and they hadn't come back. Wow. Really? That's just great! The week before Thanksgiving and I don't have a manager for the busiest time of the year. Well, at least I have my MIT to take over. Or so I thought.
A few minutes later another man from LP came up to the studio and pulled me aside and let me know what had been going on. He said that Dave had confessed to everything and then some (including some random-ass story of having a "past life" as a grifter--huh?). Apparently over the last few months, he had been taking clothes and jewelry and all kinds of other things from the host store, but they couldn't prove it. So they installed a covert camera in the studio's back room and caught him in the act. What they didn't know was that another employee was doing the same thing. When they told me that the other person was the MIT I almost shit a brick.
As soon as he finished talking to me they escorted her down for an interview and I had to watch the studio until I could find someone to cover. As soon as the next employee got there the LP department called me and said that the MIT was requesting me to bring her purse and jacket down. I brought it and while I was walking down the hall I looked out the window and watched them put Dave in the back of the squad car. I couldn't believe he would do something so stupid. I brought the girl her stuff and she looked incredibly ashamed. I was angry and shocked, but I couldn't help but still feel sorry for her.
This left me in a really crappy situation and I was on the phone for hours trying to put a bandaid over this bullet wound. I was able to get the store covered for the next week and a few days later I was able to find someone to take over the store permanently. But I think the best part of all this was when I was driving home from the studio that night.
I get a call while I'm stuck in traffic and it was Dave. He didn't realize that I had been at his store throughout the day and he called me as if nothing had happened.
"Hey Vindi... I was just calling because there was an incident at the store today and, uh, I was wondering if I might be able to transfer to another location because there was some kind of misunderstanding and... um... I'm not exactly allowed back in the store again."
/facepalm
Well, one fateful day, the weekend before Thanksgiving, right before retail season gets its big start, I got a call from the Loss Prevention department of the store that the portrait studio was located in. The man asked if I was the DM and when I told him that I was he said, "Okay, well I just thought that you'd like to know that we are gonna be taking two of your employees outta here in handcuffs in about an hour. So, if you need to find someone to cover the store, now would probably be a good time."
I sat there speechless for a few moments and told him that I was on my way down. He wouldn't tell me which employees they were taking in and the store was about an hour away from my house. I rushed down and when I finally got there the manager-in-training at the front counter said that some men from the main office had taken Dave away and they hadn't come back. Wow. Really? That's just great! The week before Thanksgiving and I don't have a manager for the busiest time of the year. Well, at least I have my MIT to take over. Or so I thought.
A few minutes later another man from LP came up to the studio and pulled me aside and let me know what had been going on. He said that Dave had confessed to everything and then some (including some random-ass story of having a "past life" as a grifter--huh?). Apparently over the last few months, he had been taking clothes and jewelry and all kinds of other things from the host store, but they couldn't prove it. So they installed a covert camera in the studio's back room and caught him in the act. What they didn't know was that another employee was doing the same thing. When they told me that the other person was the MIT I almost shit a brick.
As soon as he finished talking to me they escorted her down for an interview and I had to watch the studio until I could find someone to cover. As soon as the next employee got there the LP department called me and said that the MIT was requesting me to bring her purse and jacket down. I brought it and while I was walking down the hall I looked out the window and watched them put Dave in the back of the squad car. I couldn't believe he would do something so stupid. I brought the girl her stuff and she looked incredibly ashamed. I was angry and shocked, but I couldn't help but still feel sorry for her.
This left me in a really crappy situation and I was on the phone for hours trying to put a bandaid over this bullet wound. I was able to get the store covered for the next week and a few days later I was able to find someone to take over the store permanently. But I think the best part of all this was when I was driving home from the studio that night.
I get a call while I'm stuck in traffic and it was Dave. He didn't realize that I had been at his store throughout the day and he called me as if nothing had happened.
"Hey Vindi... I was just calling because there was an incident at the store today and, uh, I was wondering if I might be able to transfer to another location because there was some kind of misunderstanding and... um... I'm not exactly allowed back in the store again."
/facepalm
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Worst Tag Line Ever
Okay, so this one isn't so much a retail story as it is a story of me working in our family business as a kid.
When I was a kid my family ran a small animal business where we sold animals for pets, meat and show. We had pretty much every kind of small animal you could think of: rats, mice, chinchillas--you name it, we probably had it. But far and away our main thing was rabbits. At the peak of our business we had over 150 rabbits.
I was a card carrying member of ARBA (American Rabbit Breeders Association), I won the Rabbit Bowl at the State Fair (with my awesomely nerdy team, Larger than Life Lagomorphs), I had my very own professional tattoo kit and I spent my weekends shoveling various kinds of poo out of cages and barns. I was a hardcore 4-Her and FFAer. Basically I was all about the small animal business from ages 8 to 18.
One day (I think I was like twelve) after finishing some sales at the local feed store, I was cleaning out the rabbit barn and was all excited about making what I thought was a huge sale. I had been chatting it up with my mom and my brother and I was goofing around making ridiculous movie poster-type statements about how awesome I had been. I was bragging about being a good salesperson, bragging about knowing so much about rabbits and bragging about being so great at cleaning out the nooks and crannies of the barn. It was stupid and much to my dismay, the following came out of my mouth:
"When there are rabbits to sell--I'll be there. When there are people who need to know about rabbits--I'll be there. When there's poop in a crack that you can't clean out--I'll be there!"
Yeah, they had a field day with that one. I still hear about it to this day. Good times.
When I was a kid my family ran a small animal business where we sold animals for pets, meat and show. We had pretty much every kind of small animal you could think of: rats, mice, chinchillas--you name it, we probably had it. But far and away our main thing was rabbits. At the peak of our business we had over 150 rabbits.
I was a card carrying member of ARBA (American Rabbit Breeders Association), I won the Rabbit Bowl at the State Fair (with my awesomely nerdy team, Larger than Life Lagomorphs), I had my very own professional tattoo kit and I spent my weekends shoveling various kinds of poo out of cages and barns. I was a hardcore 4-Her and FFAer. Basically I was all about the small animal business from ages 8 to 18.
One day (I think I was like twelve) after finishing some sales at the local feed store, I was cleaning out the rabbit barn and was all excited about making what I thought was a huge sale. I had been chatting it up with my mom and my brother and I was goofing around making ridiculous movie poster-type statements about how awesome I had been. I was bragging about being a good salesperson, bragging about knowing so much about rabbits and bragging about being so great at cleaning out the nooks and crannies of the barn. It was stupid and much to my dismay, the following came out of my mouth:
"When there are rabbits to sell--I'll be there. When there are people who need to know about rabbits--I'll be there. When there's poop in a crack that you can't clean out--I'll be there!"
Yeah, they had a field day with that one. I still hear about it to this day. Good times.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Rollback that Proposal, Wal-Mart Shopper!
Okay, so over the holiday season I had to complete a temp assignment inside of a Wal-Mart. I got to the store a little bit early, so the employees were still on their lunch breaks and there was this guy waiting in the lobby, just sitting in the chair, sweating bullets. He was wearing a nice collared shirt that it looked like he had just purchased and I figured he might be there to take some business shots.
I asked him if he needed help and he tells me that he's just waiting for his girlfriend in the bathroom, which checked out because the store was inside Wal-Mart, right next to the restrooms. So, I'm getting out all of my paperwork and reviewing things in the store when suddenly the dude's girlfriend comes out of the bathroom and he asks her to sit down with him in the lobby. By this point he has started sweating through his shirt and he was like a twenty-something white boy, so he was really red on top of that. He kinda looked a hot mess.
The store I'm visiting is really small, so I am only like five feet away from them and can hear everything that they're saying. I tried so hard to focus on my work, but it was pretty much impossible after I heard the girl ask why the guy was acting so strangely. He clears his throat about five times and finally starts talking saying, "Girl, you know, this has been a crazy year for me and you have been there for me through it all, and I just love you so much..." And when I started to realize what was going on it was basically too late for me to leave. I was trapped there. I saw the expression on the girl's face and I could tell that this was not going to fair well.
Finally he pulls out this little red jewelry box and says, "And because of all that, I'd like to ask you: Will you marry me?" Inside of Wal-Mart. Next to the bathroom. In front of a total stranger who is five feet away from you.
She just looks absolutely horrified and she blurts out, "Oh... Oh, um, no... No..." And before she can say anything else he gets up out of the seat, starts crying and jets into the bathroom leaving me alone out there with the super embarrassed girlfriend. I didn't know what to say and she didn't know what to say, so all I could do was just try and figure out something to do with my paperwork even though I had already finished it.
Time passes and finally about five minutes later the guy comes out of the bathroom and I think to myself, Okay, we look composed. We can get our shit together and leave. You can salvage this train wreck, dude. You've got this. But no.
He drops down on both knees a few feet from her and crawls over to her on his knees and literally begs this girl. "Please, baby! Please let me be your husband! I just want to make you happy!"
Just when she thought that this couldn't get any worse, right? She yells at him in that angry whisper voice that you use when you're truly mortified by someone, "Get off the damn floor!" And she drags him up into the seat next to her. Just then, the employees of the store come back from lunch and the guy working comes up to them and tries to approach them while the tension is at its thickest. "Hey there, are you guys here to take some engagement pictures?" he asks them since the guy still has the ring out. The girl shoots her boyfriend a dirty look, he starts crying again and I drag the employee to the other end of the very small store and say, "Not now, dude! Not now!"
Finally the girlfriend had enough and she just starts yelling at him. "Dammit, Gerald! 'The hell you think you're doing? Get yo' ass up! We gonna discuss this shit at the bus stop!" And she gets all of her bags together and drags him out of the store by the arm. The last thing I hear is, "In a fuckin' Wal-Mart... Out of yo' damn mind, in a fuckin' Wal-Mart..."
That was some super sad shit, but I can't say that I blame her!
I asked him if he needed help and he tells me that he's just waiting for his girlfriend in the bathroom, which checked out because the store was inside Wal-Mart, right next to the restrooms. So, I'm getting out all of my paperwork and reviewing things in the store when suddenly the dude's girlfriend comes out of the bathroom and he asks her to sit down with him in the lobby. By this point he has started sweating through his shirt and he was like a twenty-something white boy, so he was really red on top of that. He kinda looked a hot mess.
The store I'm visiting is really small, so I am only like five feet away from them and can hear everything that they're saying. I tried so hard to focus on my work, but it was pretty much impossible after I heard the girl ask why the guy was acting so strangely. He clears his throat about five times and finally starts talking saying, "Girl, you know, this has been a crazy year for me and you have been there for me through it all, and I just love you so much..." And when I started to realize what was going on it was basically too late for me to leave. I was trapped there. I saw the expression on the girl's face and I could tell that this was not going to fair well.
Finally he pulls out this little red jewelry box and says, "And because of all that, I'd like to ask you: Will you marry me?" Inside of Wal-Mart. Next to the bathroom. In front of a total stranger who is five feet away from you.
She just looks absolutely horrified and she blurts out, "Oh... Oh, um, no... No..." And before she can say anything else he gets up out of the seat, starts crying and jets into the bathroom leaving me alone out there with the super embarrassed girlfriend. I didn't know what to say and she didn't know what to say, so all I could do was just try and figure out something to do with my paperwork even though I had already finished it.
Time passes and finally about five minutes later the guy comes out of the bathroom and I think to myself, Okay, we look composed. We can get our shit together and leave. You can salvage this train wreck, dude. You've got this. But no.
He drops down on both knees a few feet from her and crawls over to her on his knees and literally begs this girl. "Please, baby! Please let me be your husband! I just want to make you happy!"
Just when she thought that this couldn't get any worse, right? She yells at him in that angry whisper voice that you use when you're truly mortified by someone, "Get off the damn floor!" And she drags him up into the seat next to her. Just then, the employees of the store come back from lunch and the guy working comes up to them and tries to approach them while the tension is at its thickest. "Hey there, are you guys here to take some engagement pictures?" he asks them since the guy still has the ring out. The girl shoots her boyfriend a dirty look, he starts crying again and I drag the employee to the other end of the very small store and say, "Not now, dude! Not now!"
Finally the girlfriend had enough and she just starts yelling at him. "Dammit, Gerald! 'The hell you think you're doing? Get yo' ass up! We gonna discuss this shit at the bus stop!" And she gets all of her bags together and drags him out of the store by the arm. The last thing I hear is, "In a fuckin' Wal-Mart... Out of yo' damn mind, in a fuckin' Wal-Mart..."
That was some super sad shit, but I can't say that I blame her!
My Fave Excuses of 2012
Hey guys! Sorry for such a long hiatus, but if you work retail, I'm sure you understand what an insane time of the year October through December can be. Lots of cool stuff has been happening, including getting my first book published and finally getting my official webpage set up! (www.vindibirch.com in case you were wondering.) But in the midst of all the cool writing stuff that I've been up to, a girl's still gotta earn a living and all kinds of interesting stuff happened over the last few months. I can't wait to get you all caught up! But for now, here's a list of my favorite excuses from this year. Enjoy!
I can't come to work today because...
"I went to my babysitter's house and she slammed the door in my face because I started dating her ex-husband, so now I need a new babysitter."
"I was on my way to work and got stung by a bee in my car like twenty minutes ago and they had to take me to the ER and I got a shot and I would call you to tell you this, but my entire body has swollen up and I can't breathe. I have a doctor's note... What do you mean you don't believe me?" Bitch, you did NOT do all of that in twenty minutes. And if you're so swollen how did you send me an essay of a text message? Also, if you're allergic to bees, you usually keep medication around for that. Grrrr.
"My car broke down." Take the bus? "I don't have any money." Can a neighbor give you a ride? "My neighbors hate me." Okay, well, I have absolutely no coverage right now, so I will come and pick you up. "I... Uh... *sigh*... Okay, fine..."
I didn't show up today because...
"I got kidnapped last night, but I mean, I'm on my way now... Oh, well, I didn't want to press charges because it was my ex. He just kind of drugged me and threw me in the back of his car and drove off, but I mean, really it wasn't that big of a deal. He just gets a little crazy when he uses." What??? Also, why is this the second time in two years I am hearing the kidnapping excuse??
"My neighbor's dog died underneath my car last night, but I didn't realize it and when I went to drive to work this morning I ran over the body and she's calling the cops on me because for some reason she thinks I did it."
"What do you mean? I'm at work right now!" Uh, I'm at your store right now and there's no one here... "Oh, well, I mean... What I mean is that I'm on my way to work right now..."
I need to go home early because...
"I started my period." Okay, and? "Well, you don't understand, Vindi. I get my period really bad and I don't have any stuff with me, so it ruined my pants. And I'm in a lot of pain right now." Dude, I'm a chick too and it sucks. You get your period once a month. Be prepared with a tampon, or be prepared to be McGyver with what's available in the ladies room!
"My family is having an emergency intervention for my sister and I have to be there."
This customer wants a refund because...
"She says that the world is going to end tomorrow and she doesn't need her pictures anymore, so she wants her money back."
"She says that her free picture didn't arrive on time." Well what did she pay for? "That's the thing! She didn't spend any money and she is demanding a refund!"
"She says that I looked at her in a condescending manner so she should get a full refund and all of her product for free."
More stuff to come! Welcome back "So Yeah" fans! :)
I can't come to work today because...
"I went to my babysitter's house and she slammed the door in my face because I started dating her ex-husband, so now I need a new babysitter."
"I was on my way to work and got stung by a bee in my car like twenty minutes ago and they had to take me to the ER and I got a shot and I would call you to tell you this, but my entire body has swollen up and I can't breathe. I have a doctor's note... What do you mean you don't believe me?" Bitch, you did NOT do all of that in twenty minutes. And if you're so swollen how did you send me an essay of a text message? Also, if you're allergic to bees, you usually keep medication around for that. Grrrr.
"My car broke down." Take the bus? "I don't have any money." Can a neighbor give you a ride? "My neighbors hate me." Okay, well, I have absolutely no coverage right now, so I will come and pick you up. "I... Uh... *sigh*... Okay, fine..."
I didn't show up today because...
"I got kidnapped last night, but I mean, I'm on my way now... Oh, well, I didn't want to press charges because it was my ex. He just kind of drugged me and threw me in the back of his car and drove off, but I mean, really it wasn't that big of a deal. He just gets a little crazy when he uses." What??? Also, why is this the second time in two years I am hearing the kidnapping excuse??
"My neighbor's dog died underneath my car last night, but I didn't realize it and when I went to drive to work this morning I ran over the body and she's calling the cops on me because for some reason she thinks I did it."
"What do you mean? I'm at work right now!" Uh, I'm at your store right now and there's no one here... "Oh, well, I mean... What I mean is that I'm on my way to work right now..."
I need to go home early because...
"I started my period." Okay, and? "Well, you don't understand, Vindi. I get my period really bad and I don't have any stuff with me, so it ruined my pants. And I'm in a lot of pain right now." Dude, I'm a chick too and it sucks. You get your period once a month. Be prepared with a tampon, or be prepared to be McGyver with what's available in the ladies room!
"My family is having an emergency intervention for my sister and I have to be there."
This customer wants a refund because...
"She says that the world is going to end tomorrow and she doesn't need her pictures anymore, so she wants her money back."
"She says that her free picture didn't arrive on time." Well what did she pay for? "That's the thing! She didn't spend any money and she is demanding a refund!"
"She says that I looked at her in a condescending manner so she should get a full refund and all of her product for free."
More stuff to come! Welcome back "So Yeah" fans! :)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Pissed Off, Pissed On. Ya Know, Whatever.
Sometimes people do things or say things that I just cannot even begin to understand. On one particular occasion at Happy Time Portraits I got to witness both.
I was working by myself one day and this lady comes in with her mom and they were super, hardcore Martinez. (If you aren't an avid reader of mine, the Operation Dumbo Drop post defines what that entails!) They came in and the grandma was rather ornery from the start, but after sweet talking them for a few minutes at the front counter, she started to relax. She told me that she had a bad experience at another studio because the lady was treating them "like they had no class", so I assured her that I would take good care of them. Unfortunately, the people at the last portrait studio had it right, because these ladies were super unclassy!
On our way into the camera room her baby dropped a cracker on the floor, and instead of picking it up she ground it into the carpet with her foot because she thought I hadn't noticed. When we got into the room, both of them took off their shoes and they were wearing the nastiest socks I had ever smelled in my life. It was still okay, because I was going to do my job to the best of my ability and NOT pre-judge the customer. The baby was really fussy and didn't seem like he had taken a nap that day. He cried through almost every shot I took regardless of what sounds, faces or noises I made. It was tough. And the ladies brought in two outfits for him in addition to what he was wearing. It was very trying.
After the third outfit change I thought that we were finally finished when the mom says "Hey, do you guys do the naked baby pictures like out on that poster out there?" I told her that we did and she asked if we could do some. I agreed cheerfully, but inside I was dying a little. The baby was way past done and we had pushed our luck with the last outfit. While they were taking off the baby's clothes the grandma made some super awkward comment about how happy the baby was to be naked "just like his daddy" and I had to turn away while I cringed. I told them to leave the diaper on until the very last second so that we wouldn't have any accidents.
We took a few poses on the black background with the diaper on and we had everything all set up to do the naked baby laying on his tummy shot where just the booty is showing. The grandma took off the diaper and went to set him down but he got fussy as soon as she set him down, so she immediately picked him back up. She said that he needed to try and eat something really fast to make him happy. I let them know that they needed to put the diaper back on, but they wouldn't listen and I was so new at the job still that I just gave in.
They were standing on the background still while I was on the floor thumbing through the shots that I had already taken on the camera. The grandma was cradling the baby, still sans diaper, in her arms, when all of a sudden I hear, "Oh God!" I raise my head up to see what is happening and the lady turns the baby towards me and a strangely powerful stream of baby piss is pointed right in my direction. I try to get out of the way quickly, but I was kneeling down and I raced to get to my feet. I got up and the lady just keeps pointing it at me. I was furious. After all was said and done I ended up with baby piss all over my shirt and I was so shocked that it happened at the time that I had my mouth open in awe for a second, just long enough to get some in there too.
I grabbed the nearest garbage can and spit into it a few times and grabbed some paper towels to clean off what I could from my shirt. And I kinda lost it. "What the hell?" I yelled at the grandma.
She looked at me sheepishly and all she could say was, "Sorry, I didn't wanna mess up the background that ya'll have in here." So you thought you'd point it at the photographer instead? I could feel my nostrils flaring. Then she looks at me and says, "So, I think he's ready to take that last picture now." I wanted to murder a grandma at right then and there. I excused myself for a minute and after I calmed down I came back out and took the last shot. I think the baby knew on some level exactly what he did. He lay there and smiled really big. Snarky baby.
After everything was said and done, we got to the sales table and I showed her all of the amazing pictures that we had taken. They both loved almost all of them. So I ask her which package she was going to get and the fucking grandma pulls out a coupon for a one-pose package for $4.99 and tells me that that is all they can afford. I am pretty sure that I turned bright red with anger at that point because I didn't understand why someone would bring in three outfits if they knew from the beginning that they were only going to buy one picture. They wouldn't even add one extra sheet. And to add insult to injury they didn't even get the naked baby picture! RAGE!!! I bit my tongue so incredibly hard that day and as soon as they left I was punching the hell out of a teddy bear that we had.
One of my fellow managers called me in mid-rampage and she asked me how my day was going. All I could say was, "Dude! I just got pissed on for five fucking dollars!" And after letting me bitch and complain and explain to her what baby urine tastes like, she told me, "Yeah, I bet if you moved to Vegas you could get at least ten bucks for that."
I was working by myself one day and this lady comes in with her mom and they were super, hardcore Martinez. (If you aren't an avid reader of mine, the Operation Dumbo Drop post defines what that entails!) They came in and the grandma was rather ornery from the start, but after sweet talking them for a few minutes at the front counter, she started to relax. She told me that she had a bad experience at another studio because the lady was treating them "like they had no class", so I assured her that I would take good care of them. Unfortunately, the people at the last portrait studio had it right, because these ladies were super unclassy!
On our way into the camera room her baby dropped a cracker on the floor, and instead of picking it up she ground it into the carpet with her foot because she thought I hadn't noticed. When we got into the room, both of them took off their shoes and they were wearing the nastiest socks I had ever smelled in my life. It was still okay, because I was going to do my job to the best of my ability and NOT pre-judge the customer. The baby was really fussy and didn't seem like he had taken a nap that day. He cried through almost every shot I took regardless of what sounds, faces or noises I made. It was tough. And the ladies brought in two outfits for him in addition to what he was wearing. It was very trying.
After the third outfit change I thought that we were finally finished when the mom says "Hey, do you guys do the naked baby pictures like out on that poster out there?" I told her that we did and she asked if we could do some. I agreed cheerfully, but inside I was dying a little. The baby was way past done and we had pushed our luck with the last outfit. While they were taking off the baby's clothes the grandma made some super awkward comment about how happy the baby was to be naked "just like his daddy" and I had to turn away while I cringed. I told them to leave the diaper on until the very last second so that we wouldn't have any accidents.
We took a few poses on the black background with the diaper on and we had everything all set up to do the naked baby laying on his tummy shot where just the booty is showing. The grandma took off the diaper and went to set him down but he got fussy as soon as she set him down, so she immediately picked him back up. She said that he needed to try and eat something really fast to make him happy. I let them know that they needed to put the diaper back on, but they wouldn't listen and I was so new at the job still that I just gave in.
They were standing on the background still while I was on the floor thumbing through the shots that I had already taken on the camera. The grandma was cradling the baby, still sans diaper, in her arms, when all of a sudden I hear, "Oh God!" I raise my head up to see what is happening and the lady turns the baby towards me and a strangely powerful stream of baby piss is pointed right in my direction. I try to get out of the way quickly, but I was kneeling down and I raced to get to my feet. I got up and the lady just keeps pointing it at me. I was furious. After all was said and done I ended up with baby piss all over my shirt and I was so shocked that it happened at the time that I had my mouth open in awe for a second, just long enough to get some in there too.
I grabbed the nearest garbage can and spit into it a few times and grabbed some paper towels to clean off what I could from my shirt. And I kinda lost it. "What the hell?" I yelled at the grandma.
She looked at me sheepishly and all she could say was, "Sorry, I didn't wanna mess up the background that ya'll have in here." So you thought you'd point it at the photographer instead? I could feel my nostrils flaring. Then she looks at me and says, "So, I think he's ready to take that last picture now." I wanted to murder a grandma at right then and there. I excused myself for a minute and after I calmed down I came back out and took the last shot. I think the baby knew on some level exactly what he did. He lay there and smiled really big. Snarky baby.
After everything was said and done, we got to the sales table and I showed her all of the amazing pictures that we had taken. They both loved almost all of them. So I ask her which package she was going to get and the fucking grandma pulls out a coupon for a one-pose package for $4.99 and tells me that that is all they can afford. I am pretty sure that I turned bright red with anger at that point because I didn't understand why someone would bring in three outfits if they knew from the beginning that they were only going to buy one picture. They wouldn't even add one extra sheet. And to add insult to injury they didn't even get the naked baby picture! RAGE!!! I bit my tongue so incredibly hard that day and as soon as they left I was punching the hell out of a teddy bear that we had.
One of my fellow managers called me in mid-rampage and she asked me how my day was going. All I could say was, "Dude! I just got pissed on for five fucking dollars!" And after letting me bitch and complain and explain to her what baby urine tastes like, she told me, "Yeah, I bet if you moved to Vegas you could get at least ten bucks for that."
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