I don't know why I have so many cell phone stories, but I do. Sorry. One that I like to tell is about this guy that worked with me at Hollywood named "Joey" who was just... Yeah, I don't even know how to accurately describe this guy. He kinda looked like if Phineas from "Phineas and Ferb" was an actual, real-life person and talked like Beavis. He was tall and gangly and thought he was way cooler than he actually was. Also, he openly hated working for women and was constantly saying shit about how he was telling his girlfriend to "get back in the kitchen and make him a sandwich" and other lovely shit like that. I was the store manager at the time and there were two other females in management when he was working there and he would never do what the two female shift leads asked him to do.
One night I had to work with him first-hand because I had never closed with him and had got so many complaints from the female shift leaders working there. There had been a few instances apparently where one of the girls asked him to do something three times and he wouldn't do it, but then a guy asked him that wasn't even management and he did it immediately. I had to see this for myself.
"Hey Joey, can you go run the movies out to the new release wall?"
"Oh, uh, yeah, I just wanna see the last part of this movie that's playing."
"Um... Not trying to be rude, but we aren't here to watch movies, we are here to sell them. Can you please go put those away?"
*sigh* "Yeah, I guess." And he takes a stack of maybe like ten DVDs out on the floor with him when we would usually carry about fifty in one trip. He's about fifty yards away from me when I hear him pull out his cell phone and say, "Yeah, dude, she's being a fucking bitch tonight." Doesn't have the balls to say anything to my face, just gets all passive and douchy.
So I kind of have an "Oh hell no!" moment and walk out onto the sales floor after him.
"Hey Joey, you know we aren't allowed to have cell phones out on the floor. Also, I'm not deaf. Put it away and watch your mouth."
"I don't remember signing anything saying that I couldn't have my phone on me. What if I had an emergency?"
"Actually, yeah, you did when you first started working here. And I don't think that telling your friend that I'm a bitch qualifies as an emergency." He got flustered because he thought that I didn't understand what he was talking about on the phone and just walked away to put away his wimpy stack of movies. He went in the office and said he had put his phone away, but I could still see it in his pocket.
"Dude! Joey! I still see the phone in your pocket, man! If you can't follow a simple instruction, just go put the phone away in your car."
"Fine," he says having a temper-tantrum. "I will put it in my car then!"
So he goes out to his car and is gone for like fifteen minutes. He's out having a smoke but I have customers so I can't do anything about it. When my last customer leaves I run outside and tell him he needs to get in the store because I didn't say he could go on break. He has a fit and comes inside.
His phone is now in the other pocket. Now this is just getting ridiculous.
"Joey. Really man, are you kidding me? I see it in your other pocket. Put it in your car! Now!"
"Ugh! This is so stupid! It's just a phone!"
"Exactly!" I tell him as he walks out the door.
So he goes out to his car again and he's gone for like five minutes. I am just about to lose my shit over this when he finally comes back in. And I swear to God, it's still in his pants!!!
"Joey, this is the stupidest thing ever, but I am going to have to write you up," I tell him as he gets back behind the cash wrap with me.
"Why? I don't have the phone anymore."
"Dude, I see it in your back pocket!!"
"Oh, that's not my phone." And he reaches in his back pocket and says "It's my knife." And he pulls a fucking folded knife with about a four-inch blade out of his pants. And he says it like he's trying to be all hardcore and intimidating. But he just looked like Napoleon Dynamite got a haircut and contacts with a crappy knife in his hand. So I just lost it. There were no customers in the store and I just let him have it.
"Are you fucking kidding me, Joey?? Why the fuck would you bring a knife in here? Are you trying to threaten me??"
"No, I'm just letting you know that I put my phone away."
"But why did you grab a knife???"
"I dunno. It was just there when I put my phone down and I started playing with it and put it in my pocket. And, uh, now it's here."
"Leave."
"Huh?"
"Leave! You're suspended! Go!"
"That's bullshit, man! I'm gonna tell the DM that you cussed at me!"
"Well I'm gonna tell them that you brought a fucking knife in! Go!"
And he left calling me all kinds of lovely things that sexist asshats call women when they are upset at them. He was classy. And fired. Also, I remember when he left that one of the things he called me was a fat bitch. Which reminds me about another awesome Joey story.
So, since it was super obvious that Joey acted the way that he did to try and get attention from other guys, the other guys really had no respect for him at all. One time we were cleaning out the back office where people would take their lunch breaks and we found a notebook. And we looked inside and the cover had all this shit saying "Do Not Read! Personal Property of Joey!" At the time I was defending him and I told the guys to leave it alone, but they opened it up anyway.
Turns out it was "Joey's Song Journal" (it seriously said that with a label from a label maker, haha!) and he was writing all of these terrible songs about some girl and everyone was just cracking up because they were so bad. So a few hours later, Joey comes into work and the guy who was off totally fucks with him.
"Hey man, I'm really sorry, but I was in the back and I found this notebook and I was reading through it before I saw that it was yours. And I was just totally moved by the stuff in there. How does this one go right here?"
And he played it so straight-faced that Joey was like, "Oh, wow, man. I'm hella embarrassed now. But uh, that one goes..." And he sang (completely off-key) this whole song about how hot this girl is and that he was going to "bone" her and all this other crap. And we are just laughing except the guy who was leading him on really badly.
"Oh, come on guys, you shouldn't laugh. Who is it exactly that inspired you to write these epic songs, bro?" Still completely straight-faced.
"Well, actually it's my girlfriend. She's, like, super hot and stuff. We haven't gone all the way yet, but it's been a few months now, so it's totally coming. I can feel it."
And yes, he is saying all of this stuff in front of the four people who are working there, including myself.
"Well, good luck to you on that, man. You should bring her by one night and introduce her to us," he told Joey.
So about a week later he did on a Friday night that he was off. And that was a mistake.
Joey walks in the door and he is holding hands with this girl who he wrote all these flowing epics about that were incredibly graphic about things that he wanted to do to and with her. And she was BIG. I'm not saying that I'm small, but this girl was easily 300-350. And she was wearing tiny girl clothes. And it was all kinds of bad. I'm always saying that just because they make something in your size doesn't mean you should wear it. But I am pretty sure that they did not make this stuff in her size. There was stuff sausaging out all over the place. It was scary. (I don't care what size you are! Cover your chunk, ladies!)
So he walks up to the counter and is just like, "Hey bros, this is my lady, Candy." (Or some other stripper sounding name, I don't remember.) And it's Friday, so most of the staff are working. No one knew what to say. I had to excuse myself and go in the back, so I am not sure if anyone slipped up or not out there until they left.
But one thing I remember very clearly was that one of the guys was really messed up and he kept going around saying, "Hey guys, I got a picture of Joey's girlfriend in my wallet! Wanna see?" And he would open up his wallet and there was a Post-it Note of a drawing he did of a stick-figure Joey and a cartoon whale in a tube top and booty shorts.
A few months later Candy dumped him. Go, Candy!
Part of me feels bad for telling that last story, but the other part feels like, "Eh, if she was that good of a person, she wouldn't have dated someone like that in the first place."
The End!
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