Tuesday, October 9, 2012

CONference Calls

I was just reading a co-worker's Facebook post about a lengthy, pointless conference call that she had to be on and it inspired me to put together a blog post of shit that people say on conference calls that just make me wanna punch a baby.  So I thought I'd paraphrase some of the more irritating things I've heard:

-Tardiness.  Me: "And the winner of our sales contest for the week is--"  Random Late Person: "I'm here!  I'm on for the Springfield store!"  Dammit...

-Overzealousness.  Me: "Okay, does anyone other than Susan have an idea for the event?"  Susan: "Haha, you are so funny!  But I have lots more ideas!  We can do..."  Gah! 

-Crickets.  Me: "So, I know that topic was a lot to take in.  Can I get a commitment from everyone that you will get this done today?"  *silence*  Me: "Anyone?"  *more silence*  Awkward Me Using a Ridiculous High-Pitched Voice:  "Of course we will because we were totally listening and totally understand what you just said!" 

-Driving During a Call.  Me: "Okay, Sarah.  How much money do you need to make your weekly goal?"  Sarah: "Uh *static, static, static* I'm not at the store yet."   Why the fuck are we even having you on this call if you aren't prepared for it!?  Grrrrr!

-Inappropriate Background Noise:  Me: "And that is why--"  Unknown Person:  "I don't care if you think he likes it!  Stop petting the damn cat!  And if you bite your brother again I'm gonna whoop your ass!"   Me: "Can you all please mute your phones?"  Same Unknown Person:  "No!  Mama's on a call right now!  Sit your ass down!"  Lovely.

-Thinks They're Muted:  Jennifer with the Unique Voice:  "Yeah, I'm on a conference call right now, but it's cool, it's on mute.  These calls are so stupid."   Me: "Hey person talking, we can hear you.  If you're going to be disrespectful, mute your phone or get off my call."  Jennifer Again:  "Yeah, I know right?  My boss is the same way.  She thinks she's so funny.  Whatever."  Me: "Jennifer, it's super obvious that it's you talking on your cell.  Please get off of my call or at least mute it so no one else has to hear you being so rude."   More Jennifer:  "Haha!  I know!  She seriously said that to you?  Hey, one sec, another manager is calling me.  She's probably bored too.  One sec.  Hello?  Oh, shit..."  Then you hear her get off of the call really fast after that.

-Trying to Milk the Call Time:  "Wait, I had another question! Um... Uh... I can't remember what I was going to say now... Hmmm... Oh yeah!  Um, no, wait.  I lost it.  Sorry."

-Obvious Bullshitting:  My Boss: "So, Annette, what do you think the problem with that is?"  Annette (who has no idea what she was just asked because she wasn't paying attention):  "Yeah, I mean, really, what I think I'm trying to say is that we all need to follow through, and, uh, you know, manage our stores. Ya know? Because, like, I think some of our managers just aren't managing their business, and we need to like make better managers out of them rather than managing for them. Let's manage our managers. Synergy. Yeah."  This is about what I hear on most of my calls with other upper management members.

Anyone got any other good ones? :)

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