Monday, August 20, 2012

50 Shades of Red

I really don't want to get all super valley girl in this blog and start every story with "So this one time..." but too bad!

So this one time at Hollywood Video I hired this guy Wiley.  And yes, that was really his name.  He was the most irritating person that I had ever met in my life, but unfortunately I didn't realize that until after he had been working there for a few weeks.  He was one of those guys that had joined the military and had just come back to join the workforce, but I wasn't sure if the military had made him weird or if he was just a bit off to begin with.  He was super enthusiastic about his job to a fault and there was no doubt in my mind that he had adult ADD.  I was about 20 at the time and he was about 30.  I got a little bit of lip from him every now and then but for the most part he did his job.

And everyone fucking hated him.


He really wanted to fit in with everyone at work and so he would get people lunch and he would be super nice to everyone but me so that his peers would like him.  People kept telling me that Wiley was telling everyone that I was a bitch and so hard to work for and all this other crap, but they were cool enough to at least tell me what was going on.  It was a fun cycle of people saying he did something and him denying it.  One guy at work even recorded him saying it with his cell phone and he still denied it.  If he wasn't one of my best sales people I would have fired him in a heartbeat. 

One day I was working the night shift with a bunch of guys and I'm putting movies back on the shelf when Wiley comes in the door and is super excited about something.  He had been working there for the better part of a year and by this point, everyone was tired of his shenanigans.  "Oh my God, you guys!  You will never believe what I found in my email today!"  And of course they all made jokes about penis enlargement ads and Viagra and what not.

"No!" he says so that everyone in the damn store can hear.  "Our manager thinks I'm sexy!" 

What the hell?

And he walks over to me with this giant fucking grin on his face and struts over with his damn thumbs in his belt loops like he's some kind of cowboy.   He slicks his hair back with his hand, licks his lips and raises his eyebrows in that "how you doin'" kind of manner. 

"You think I'm sexy!" he says with a huge smile on his face. 

"What are you talking about Wiley?"  I ask him like he's insane.

"I was going through one of my email accounts that I haven't checked since I came back from the military and I had a lot of mail to go through.  It was my Yahoo email account."

"Uh-huh... What does that have to do with me?" I asked him cautiously.

"Well, I'm glad you asked!  You see," he said rifling through his backpack (and yes, he was a 30 year old man-boy that brought a backpack to work) "the last time that I was on leave last year I signed up for a dating service--through Yahoo."  And then my heart sank into my stomach and I dropped the pile of movies that I had been holding. 

About a year before this whole thing happened, I was not exactly in a good mindset for dating.  I had just broken up with my boyfriend and I was on the rebound.  So I decided to try Yahoo dating.  And the stuff that had happened as a result of that is worthy of a non-related work post all its own.  But in regards to this, let's just say I tried casting a lot of lines out into the internet sea of love and had come out empty-handed. 

And Wiley apparently had proof of my unfettered desperation. And it was bad.

"Oh yes," he said holding it up in the air.  "Gather 'round boys and listen to this!"  So of course they all did because they were all little shitbirds.

"Oh good God..."  I said turning about a million shades of red.  The paper had my profile from the dating service AND an email that I sent to him.

"Ahem.  Hey there sexy!  I saw your profile online and just had to drop you a line to see if you'd ever be interested in meeting up!  You have absolutely gorgeous eyes and I could definitely see myself running my fingers through that amazing hair of yours... and possibly more ;)  [And he fucking winked right there.]  I see that you're a bit older than I am, so maybe you could teach me a thing or two!  We have lots in common and it looks like you live pretty close to me.  Hit me up if you'd like to, uh, hit me up, hehe...

My jaw dropped to the floor and everyone else's working had their jaw dropped to the floor.  There was even a regular customer in the store and his damn jaw dropped to the floor.  I had no idea what to say.

So of course one of my employees has to say, "Dayum!  You's a freak, girl!"  And everyone starts laughing. 

I was completely and utterly mortified. 

Then to make matters worse, Wiley has to ask me, "So, do you still think I'm sexy?" in this super throaty radio show host voice. 

I mean, at this point there really was no going back.  The thing had my damn picture on it and everything.  I've never been ashamed of my sexuality.  So, after being totally destroyed in front of my crew, I just picked myself up again and went for it.  He started it!

"Well, honestly, Wiley," I said with the whole store hanging on my every word, "You were very attractive in that picture.  And you're cute.  I'll give you that.  Maybe even very cute.  But you are a 30 year old man who lives at home with his mom and trying to call me out on something from before I even worked with you and that's never sexy."

At least that's what I wished that's what I said.  I think I ended up just having a total meltdown.  I can't remember.  All I remember was going into the back office and locking myself inside for about twenty minutes until I stopped being red.

Yay.  Memories!

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