Best Excuses Ever

I can't come in to work because....

"I have explosive diahrrea and I'm afraid I will crap my pants at work."

"I'm in jail. Will you guys be able to hold my job for me?"

"I hate you and you ruined this job because the last manager didn't care if I was late!"

"I am so drunk right now!"

"You know last night was the midnight release of Halo 2.  You can't possibly expect me to come in now!"


I was late because....

"My sister took my kid to work with her this afternoon, and that bitch is a professional ho, fo' real!  She had my five year old waiting outside in the hallway while she was getting paid to fuck!  Then that ho shows up at work in the parking lot!  You know I was gonna be on time, but seeing her there I had to whoop her ass! And that's why I was 45 minutes late."

"I was riding my bike to work and it was windy outside and I swallowed a bee." (Poor kid's tongue was super swollen!)

"I thought today was daylight savings"  (It was January.)


I left work early without telling anyone because....

"I told you I was gonna crap my pants, but you didn't believe me!"

"I threw up on a customer."

"My shoe was filling up with blood."

"I sneezed and I figured that you wouldn't want me here if I was sick."


I gave that customer free/discounted stuff because....

"She looked like if I didn't she was gonna eat me."

"You just don't understand how mean she was!"

"That's my boi!  He hooks me up with free shit all the time and I had to return the favor!"

"You could bounce a quarter off of her ass.  I mean, seriously, damn."

"They asked me if I could give them a discount."

"They were black."  (/facepalm)