Off the Hook

So, my last post had me thinking about a story that happened to me earlier this year.  And it's kind of a fresh one, so I will have to very carefully tip-toe around the details to cover my butt, but it's a classic!

At the beginning of the year I was in a studio and I get a call from my company's HR department.  The guy from HR is always very matter of fact with me, so when I pick up and he says "Hey there, are you sitting down for this one?"  I was pretty alarmed.  And I sat my happy ass down to ask him what was going on.

"Well, it seems that we have a situation with one of your employees.  More specifically one of your managers.  I'm sure you are familiar with Miss Jennifer Jones out of studio 5555? [that looks like a convincing store number, right?]  I just received a call from Miss Jones' host store and they have presented me with some very, uh, unsavory information and video footage."

I was panicking because we had been having a lot of theft in that studio and the company had LP put in some covert camera systems to find out who had been stealing our company's cameras and equipment.  Jennifer was kinda shady, but I didn't think she was that shady.

"Oh no, she isn't the one taking the cameras from the studio is she?" I asked, already pretty upset.

"Um, no," the HR director told me. "That is how we found out what we know now, but that is not what she was doing in her store.  The reason that I was calling you was that Miss Jones was caught on film having, uh, relations of a particular nature in her studio.  Of, um, a...."

"A what?" I squeeked.

"Of a, ahem, of a sexual nature..." he trailed off. 

I was floored!  I was in shock and I just started asking the stupidest questions.

"Where could she possibly have done that?"

"I can't say."

"Well when did this happen?"

"Which time? Uh, I mean, it really isn't important to the situation."

"Oh my God!  She did this more than once!? How many times did this happen and how long has this been going on?"

"Listen, I really can't say anymore, but I can tell you that the host store wants her gone," he told me dryly.

"So when did they want me to go up there?  Like, next week?"  I asked stupidly, the valley girl coming out of my mouth.  I was fucking busy and had over twenty stores and it was always a big pain in the ass to drop everything and just go somewhere at a moment's notice.

"No, like, tomorrow morning," he mocked me. "I have already arranged her final check.  You just have to carry out the term and clean up the mess."  And after he went through telling me what to say to her and giving me a well-worded, rehearsed speech that was super politically correct, we hung up and I had to scramble.

The whole time that this was happening I was in the closet of one of my studios and the manager that was there was starting to worry.  I came out of the closet totally pale and not even able to tell her what was going on.  All I could do was tell her that something came up and that I had to go. 

I called my boss and told her what was going on and after I explained the situation she calmly said "Yes, well, actually I already know about it, but thanks for keeping me in the loop."  Apparently her boss, the VP of the company, had already heard about it from the head of the other company's HR that our stores operate out of.  So basically, everybody and their mom knew about this, including (as I was soon to find out) all of home office and everyone who worked at that particular host store.  And then some.

The whole way driving up to the studio all I could think of was how I was going to let Jennifer know tactfully why she wasn't going to be working for me anymore.  I practiced my damn speech about twenty times in the car and when I got there I was pretty damn nervous.  Jennifer wasn't exactly the nicest person in the world and had been at the company for a long time. Plus she was about twenty years older than I was, which made the whole situation even more unsettling.  I felt like I was about to go fire my mom for having sex at work.

When I got to the studio the girl that I told to meet me there to run the business was waiting and the studio was supposed to open up in five minutes.  I was pacing back and forth in the entryway of the place and just kept looking at my watch.  She was fifteen minutes late and when she finally did show up, Starbucks in hand, she looked like she just about crapped herself.  I told her that we needed to go downstairs and have a talk.  It was an incredibly awkward walk. 

We were about halfway to the office and had just stepped off the escalator when she asks me "Um, am I fired?  If I am, please just let me know now."

"Honestly, Jennifer..." I said trying to grow a pair in about half a second, "Yes. Yes you are. But I really think we still need to discuss the why in private because I don't think it's something that we should discuss out here."

I had noticed that there were already people who worked in the store starting to stare even though we hadn't been loud or dramatic.  They totally fucking knew.  Great.

"It's my numbers, isn't it?" she asked me as we made our way into the private room.  "I thought that my performance had come up and that things were finally starting to go a lot better."  I could hear the tears she was holding back in her throat.  Damn I hate this part of my job.

"No, dude," I said sympathetically [And yes, I really said dude because I couldn't fucking help it.  It's like my word that I have to use to make myself come off as relate-able.  It's not a conscious decision.  It just kinda happens.]  "Your numbers were doing a lot better..."  And five million years later we finally got to the damned office.

I told her to have a seat and started to spout out the speech that corporate had told me to give.

"The reason that we are here today having this discussion is that, um... Well, you see, since there had been so much theft in your studio with equipment, home office had to have loss prevention install some cameras and--"

"I swear!  I didn't take anything from the studio!" she cried out pleading desperately as though she thought she could save herself.

"Yeah, Jennifer, I know you didn't take anything," I sighed. "But the thing is that--"

"There might have been that one purse that I had in the back, but I never took it out of the store!  I was just putting it aside until payday!  I will--"

"Dude!" I interrupted her, "I don't know how else to say this, but they caught you having sex in the studio!"

I didn't mean to blurt it out like that.  It just kinda happened.  Her eyes got so big and her face turned so red.  She dropped her purse and just went into shock.

"Oh God...." was all she could muster.  I gave her a minute to collect her thoughts and I handed over her final check.  "This is so embarrassing... How did they find out?  I mean, where was there a camera?"

"I have no idea," I told her.  "The host store's loss prevention just called home office and they said they saw everything..."

"Oh my God..." she cried.  "I can never come back in here ever again!  If those bitches in LP know, then everyone fucking knows!  Oh my God!"

She was so upset.  I know in these situations that it isn't anyone's fault but their own, but I can't help myself.  I work with these people everyday and no matter how shitty they are at their jobs or if they say bad things about how I'm running things or whatever ill-will occurs, they are still people at the end of the day. And I know that people fuck up and that if I was in any of these situations that led to me getting fired that I would be balling my eyes out too.  So I gave her a hug and helped her get her things together.  Yeah, we didn't get along very well in the workplace, but I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone.

As she was leaving she told me that she was sorry for putting me in this position and said her goodbyes, but the last thing she said was "You aren't going to tell my family about this, right?"

I told her that I wouldn't let anyone who didn't need to know, know and she thanked me and left. 

Then I thought about it for a while and was wondering why she would even ask something like that.  It made me feel kind of weird about the whole thing.

I cleaned out the studio when I left and the whole time I was wondering where she could have possibly had even had the capability of having sex in the studio.  They aren't exactly designed with privacy in mind.  None of the rooms even have doors. Then while cleaning out the prop room I looked up into the ceiling and saw where the covert camera had been installed.  It was actually quite obvious that it had been put there.  Maybe she thought that it was fake.  But when I looked around the room for a "base of operation" in sight of the camera I finally saw it.  She had taken a posing platform which is about the size of a full size bed cut in half and covered it with blankets and pillows.  Yuck.

The associate who was helping me in the studio that day who had no idea what was going on tried to help me clean up the back and I found myself saying "Oh! Don't touch that!" quite a few times and getting weird looks in return.

When I went to leave the store someone from the host store came up to me and said "Hey don't you work up there in portraits?  I heard they fired that lady for hookin'!  That's hella crazy!  My buddy works in LP and said they caught her with a few different guys up there and they all gave her money!  What the fuck are people thinkin' these days?"

Dude.